Making gay friends is genuinely hard. Here's why.

It's kind of tricky to make gay friends. I said that to Pink Ticket Travel in 2025, and it is still the most honest place I know to start.

The rest of what I said was this: "The way I've done it in Madrid, and the way many guys do it, is through dating, and then when it doesn't work out, we become friends. So it's always starting with a sexual lens."

When I moved to Madrid I didn't have a network. As I put it on Friend of Dorothy, I moved to a foreign country, "and it's hard to do if you don't have any network, and so I've had to push myself and go out alone and do that sort of stuff."

Going out alone is the part most people skip. It can be deeply uncomfortable, but I think it is the best way to do it. You're open. You don't have anyone else to talk to, and you don't have to look after anyone else. I went out and spoke to random people, said hello and started conversations. Some of them lasted 20 seconds and some of them lasted an hour.

Why it's harder than it should be

When people sign up to No Sex Gay Weekend, I ask them on the form why they're coming. Mostly it's just wanting to make some new connections. And I do feel like there aren't actually many spaces where you can do it.

I think this is true for everyone since Covid. With tech and social media and being on your phone, even going to gay bars now, if you're alone, you sit on your phone. Or you're with your friends and you don't talk to other people. I don't think this is unique, but I do think it's exaggerated, or exacerbated, in the gay community.

There is a lot of gay sport and common interest stuff now, and the more the better. But I used to go to a gay squash club, and I never talked about squash when I was there. We all have a depth to our personality that is beyond a common interest. And in gay tennis or gay squash, or the other gay groups that meet up, you've still got that sense. The question of who fancies who is still in the room. In No Sex Gay Weekend we just get rid of it.

Meeting new people is also a muscle, and most of us have let it go. "It is a muscle that we have to practise," I said on Friend of Dorothy. "I think it's got a lot worse since everyone moved online." People in a bar, unless they're closed up, want to talk to people. But it's so easy just to go on your phone.

What happens when people give themselves a chance

I think people come because they want to give themselves a chance. Lots of people get nervous about meeting people without the pressure, and we all have complex feelings about it, very individual and personal ones.

People tell me they are pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. Then, within not much time at all, they're very comfortable chatting with other people. What I hope they take away is that gay guys actually aren't that scary. And if you can be bold and be the first one to say hello, it's surprising how quickly that muscle gets stronger.

In Madrid I finally made a WhatsApp group for people who'd come to events. We organised drinks the day before, and about 15 people just came, spontaneously. I filmed it at the Mercado de San Antón: beers, a bit of tapas, and, "well, we're in Spain, so everyone's a little bit late."

I've definitely made friends through this. I went to see a flamenco show with a guy who I'd met before. As I said on Flex Your Feelings, "I've made some friends out of it and I'm so grateful for that. It's hard to make friends."

It doesn't have to be this hard.

The next events, including the free ones, are on what's on.