Nobody's taking a vow

When Queerty put their September piece about us on Instagram, the comments filled up fast. Some people loved it. A lot of people didn't. I replied in the thread, and since it's the shortest account of this project I've ever managed, here it is:

TLDR, it's 36 hours of meeting gay guys as people, not as options on a grid. Nobody's taking a vow. Plenty of people go on dates afterwards. No, it's not conversion therapy. No, it's not for guys who "can't get any."

A lot of what came up in that thread starts with the name. So this is about the name, and the people who doubt it.

A very odd sentence

It came from a list. I was on a gay holiday in Torremolinos, feeling bad about myself, and as I told Better Gay Dating, "I wrote down what I like and don't like, and after a while I wrote down 'no sex gay weekend', which was a very odd sentence." I told Queerty it had probably never been spoken before in the English language.

I put it out on Instagram as a concept, and about a thousand people responded to the poll. Most of them thought it was a good idea. So I thought I'd just start it and see.

The title is pretty brisk because it is what it is. And people still get it wrong. Lots of people call it No Gay Sex Weekend, which, as I said on Friend of Dorothy, "is like a straight orgy, which I'll probably start at some point for the other market."

It is just a weekend

I start most conversations about this the same way. It's called No Sex Gay Weekend. Not No Sex Gay Life.

It's not a lifetime ban at all. We just park sex. As I said on Friend of Dorothy, I think I'm already pushing it with the concept, Friday to Sunday. Some of our events are a couple of hours long, so we don't have sex for a couple of hours. We have to ease people into the idea.

What it isn't, I told Queerty plainly: "This is not a conversion camp. This is not anti-sex." It's not about making people feel any shame about sex. It's not going to a weekend to not have sex, as if that were the point. It's replacing that, for a weekend, with quality connection, and letting that happen. Then sex and other kinds of connection can happen after.

Why I kept it

The name is a problem in some places. It sends Google, financial institutions and insurance companies into a spin. As I said on the Community Builders podcast, "They simply cannot deal with the word sex even if it has an O in front of it." It's also not very shareable. Nobody posts a picture tagging No Sex Gay Weekend the way they would a gay quiz night. And I don't go shouting around Bristol on a weekend. There are no banners and no branding. If you've signed up and paid to come, you're in, and that's all anyone needs to know.

But I like the name, because it becomes really self-selecting as a group. It's out there on purpose. It knocks out the people who don't want to engage with the project, so the people who come really want to be there. I would much prefer fewer people to come and really want it than more people to come and not really engage.

Committing to a whole weekend with a group of strangers is a real thing to ask. It's not unreasonable to hesitate. That's why it's self-selecting: if you want to do it and you're ready to take the risk, it's there for you. And if you're not, that's fine too.

Come when you're ready

Some people find the idea an affront. Some find it a relief. I'm not here to convince anyone. As I said at the end of Flex Your Feelings:

We are here when or if you are ever ready for it. And when or if you are, then I can't wait to meet you.

And if you do come, come with an open heart and just try it out. It might surprise you.

What the weekends are, and the one rule, is on WTF is NSGW.