Wouldn't it be nice to become mates first?

When Paul Gallant interviewed me for Pink Ticket Travel in 2025, this is what I said about friendship:

It's kind of tricky to make gay friends. The way I've done it in Madrid, and the way many guys do it, is through dating, and then when it doesn't work out, we become friends. So it's always starting with a sexual lens. Wouldn't it be nice to become mates first?

A lot of interactions in the gay world happen in the context of sexual attraction. When you meet someone, your first question is not "do I like you?" Your question is, "do I fancy you, and do they fancy me?" And a lot of gay guys, including me, have friends that they started off hooking up with and then became friends with. That seems to be the normal mode.

For other people, it doesn't happen like that. They just meet people, they become friends, and afterwards maybe they like each other.

Attraction after talking

Mates first doesn't mean attraction never. It means the order changes. As I told Pink Ticket:

Without constant sexual objectification, you can find out whether you have an attraction to someone after talking to them, even if you don't immediately fancy them. Or maybe you wouldn't normally talk to them because you do fancy them and you think they're out of your league.

Both of those are real losses. The person you'd have liked if you'd ever talked to them. The person you never talked to because you'd already decided he was out of reach.

On a weekend, of course it happens that people fancy each other, because they're actually getting to know each other and they still find each other physically attractive. They're good guys who come. They're fun people. The difference is that you've had some time. You just give yourself two days or so to meet someone and get to know them, and then go on a date after.

Why after is better

This is true of dating generally, not only of No Sex Gay Weekend. When I have a really great date and then have sex with them that night, it's too soon. As I said on Flex Your Feelings, "It's too much on something that didn't have the foundations for it." If I'm really interested in someone, what I'm trying to do is delay it, because there isn't enough of an emotional foundation yet for everything that comes after.

It's what I meant when I said to Pink Ticket: "What if you can just maybe not have sex for two days? Wow."

Met a hot guy? Have the date after.

Mates or dates

We run speed dating in London now, and I said this on the night: "You can look for mates, or you can look for dates." Nobody has to decide on the spot which one it's going to be.

And it works both ways. At the very first one we ran in Spain, people made friends so much that they were invited to the wedding. After our first weekend in Oxford I said, "Loads of friendships were made. I don't know if people fancied each other, maybe they did. Maybe there'll be some weddings coming up." I've had dates afterwards with people I've met through it, and I know friendship groups have formed.

When Queerty's piece went up on Instagram in September, I replied in the comments, and part of what I wrote was this: "Nobody's taking a vow. Plenty of people go on dates afterwards."

What I want, as I told Better Gay Dating, is simple. I want friendships to happen. I want people to feel good about themselves. And I want weddings, and I want to go to the wedding. "And I don't want to be MC, okay? People keep on asking me to be MC. I just want to be a guest."

Speed dating, socials and the weekends are all on what's on.